Anger

My mom always tells me I came into this world angry and that I've never changed. I think she feels responsible for my unrest somehow but it wasn't her fault, I had bad gas. My stomach hurt and I'll never get over it. Once a colicy baby, always a colicy baby.

I don't know why I'm such an angry person, I don't want to be. I think everyone reading this is lovely but in my head right now I'm giving you the finger and peeing in your drink. Why? Why can't I just be happy? Even when I'm genuinely happy about something all I can think is, "this won't last long."

I wish I could be one of those people who go through life just singing a happy song, totally oblivious to all the bad things, you know, a Republican. God I wish I was stupid. It must be so freeing to not understand anything, to never see the big picture, or think that the "big picture" means the giant family photo on the mantel. To wake up and be content with your life and say, "this trailer is all I have and it's all I and my 9 kids need." That must be wonderful. When I wake up I think, "Are 300 threadcount sheets really the best I can do?" I do a genius level sudoku puzzle everyday but I'm thinking about stopping so that my brain will start to atrophy a little. Maybe I'll start playing Angry Birds. That'll numb me a little bit. 

But the ironic thing is, and I can't speak for other "angry" people though I suspect they're the same, what I'm angry about the most is when I see people being treated differently or poorly. When someone is being taken advantage of or disrespected it makes me so sad that I get angry. I guess it might be true that comedians are the saddest people and this is how we channel it but I am such a suck. Everything makes me cry. I have indentations on my face from tears I cry so much, and I still have bad gas; I'm still a colicy baby.

If people were nice to each other, held doors, waved when you let them in your lane, treated people like equals, then comedy would be much less interesting. I think I wouldn't be doing it because what the hell would I have to say? "Don't you hate ketchup bottles!?" That doesn't matter.

I'd give anything to live in a world where I'm not angry anymore. I'll always have gas though 'cause I love cheese too much. Who are we kidding, I love me my cheesy cheesy gas, but to live in a world where people truly see other people? Well, I might almost start believing in God. 

Paper Bag Princess

Over the last few weeks the number of views my web site receives has increased from 30 a day on average to over 300 a day. At first I thought this must have to do with the contest that I'm in for XM radio. I figured that people were listening to the clip and then looking me up.

Then I received 100 hits the day after my brother-in-laws wedding so I figured all the guests from the wedding had gone home to look up who that crazy dancing drunk girl was.

But it's continued and the number of hits has increased every day. Could it be? Am I gaining popularity? Are people seeing me perform and telling everyone they know to check me out?

Then I noticed a function on my web site where I can see what people are actually looking at and suddenly it all came together. 99% of people going to my web site were looking at the picture of me dressed like a paper bag princess. That's it. That's all they are looking at.

But why? The same reason I googled paper bag princess a year ago; people are looking it up in order to make Halloween costumes! People who hate Halloween and don't want to put any effort into a costume but are being forced to dress up in a silly costume and go over to their friends house and act like they're having a good time. These are the people looking at my picture and nothing else on this site. They don't even realize how close they are to experiencing pure joy because they haven't bothered to look at anything else.

The world is a sad place and I'm here to help, but I can only lead you to the water. It is up to each spite filled, "I'd rather stay home and drink alone" person out there to look further into my site when looking up how to make the easiest and cheapest costume ever. So slow down, watch a video, and just know that even though you didn't even try with your costume and it only cost you $5, people will love it. They will reminisce about their parents reading the story to them and will take their picture with you to show other people, and if you put it on a web site, then next year you too will have 2000 hits. And let's be honest, it's all about getting the most exposure for the least amount of work, right?

Happy f#*%ing Halloween!

Farm Cakes

Something different today, muffins to keep the comedic mind sharp (aka on a sugar high).

Best muffin/cupcake ever!

It's a muffin, but it's sweet like a cupcake, but it doesn't have icing, but it has cream cheese, but it's inside instead of on top...just try them!

They're called Farm Cakes (I don't know why. They look like a cow?)

Cake:

3 cups of flour

2 cups of sugar

1/2 cup unsweetened cocoa powder

2 teaspoons baking soda

2 cups of water

2/3 cup vegetable oil

2 tablespoons of cider vinegar

2 teaspoons of vanilla extract

Filling:

8 ounces of cream cheese (at room temp.)

1 egg

1/3 cup of sugar

pinch of salt

6 ounces of semisweet chocolate chips

Make the cake:

preheat the over to 350 degrees.

sift together the flour, sugar, cocoa, and baking soda.

add the water, oil, vinegar, and vanilla.

beat for three minutes.

Make the filling:

cream the cream cheese

add the egg, sugar, and salt and beat until smooth

fold in the chocolate chips.

Assemble the farm cakes!

pour the cake batter in the muffin tins so they are 2/3 full.

spoon in 2 teaspoons of the filling.

bake for 20-25 minutes.

Makes at least 24, I find more like 35.

They are the best muffins ever and will inspire great comedy to come to you. I didn't want to share this but I'm pretty sure George Carlin ate these everyday. Just saying.

My Comedy Evolution

When I first started doing stand up I remember a very experienced comic telling me that I was writing the "typical" newcomer jokes. At the time I was insulted and thought he just didn't understand how brilliant I wad but now that I have been doing it longer I'm starting to see what he meant. When you go to an open mic and see new comics you see them talking about the same topics we all did and they all have that delivery of, "nobody else has ever thought of this."

1. There are a lot of jokes that include dialogue back and forth between the comic and someone who isn't there: "so the stripper says 'let me dance for you' and I say 'only if you don't talk' and she says 'what's wrong with my voice' and I say 'you're talking' and she says 'oh sorry'." A lot of people start doing stand up because they're the "funny friend" so instead of writing jokes they just repeat stories that were funny at the time.

2. Jokes about Jesus and God. Everybody has a Jesus joke. Everybody.

3. Really personal stories that you shouldn't be sharing. These usually include weird sexual acts, revealing something about your spouse that they probably wouldn't want discussed, or admitting you're a virgin. These are all extremely common and make the audience feel awkward for you.

It's not a bad thing and I'm not saying the jokes aren't funny, but the evolution of a comic is clearer to me now.

Here's my evolution as I see it:

When I first started doing stand up I wanted to be a clean comic. I wanted to be just like Jerry Seinfeld. If I could be clean and accessible like him then I would be famous and rich in no time.

Then one day I was thinking about how much I hate period jokes and how many people had told me not to tell period jokes and it made me mad. Who are they to tell me what I can and can't talk about? So I wrote the most disgusting period joke I could think of and it killed. Thus began my "shock and awe" stage. I can look pretty sweet and innocent so I can get laughs by telling really dirty jokes that other comics might not get away with. I was pretty sure that I was revolutionizing comedy. I'm sure nobody else had ever talked about not liking children, brazilian waxing, and relationships from a female perspective?!

I've been stuck in this stage for a long time now because it gets me laughs, but recently have come to a realization: it's not getting me anywhere. With the type of humour I have been doing I can't perform on tv or at festivals and I can't sustain the laughter for more than 25 mintues. An hour of dirty jokes is too much. It's draining and starts to get repetitive.

So now I'm trying to clean up my act, literally.

The newest evolution involves finding topics that I find interesting while holding back on the sex and swearing. It sucks. It bores me and it's hard. Everytime I try to write a joke I find myself thinking, "how will I end this joke about painting...I know! Blow job! No!" I can't keep falling back on the easy laughs. I need to write a clever "cleaned up" set for festivals and a squeaky clean set for corporate gigs. And I need to hurry up and do it.

It's here in writing so now I have to do it. Cross your fingers for me and if you see me on the street please feel free to tell me something really dirty, it will help relax me.

Boobs

Apparently boob jobs were the number one graduation gift a few years back. I don’t know if this is still the case but there are still a lot of women getting their boobs done. In Venezuela President Hugo Chavez recently spoke out against breast implants as Venezuela is one of the top countries for the procedure. Now I’m not a big fan of Chavez, but I wish more men would speak out against implants ‘cause let’s be truthful for a minute, women do it for them. I don’t care what anyone says, women get breast implants to appear more attractive to men.

Oh what, you want me to think you’re doing it for me? If you are doing it for me the only reaction you'll get is my pity because you clearly have a lack of self esteem. Oh you did it for yourself? Why? Because it’s in our genetics to want big boobs? Because you were predestined to have big boobs? Those are the only two excuses that don’t involve society telling you you need bigger boobs and who do you need bigger boobs for? Men!

Now I am an A cup with space so I think I have a right to talk about this and I can tell you that I have never had trouble succeeding in life because of my boobs. I have never lost a job because my boobs were too small, I have never lost friends because my boobs were too small and I have never had trouble attracting guys with my small boobs. What I do know for sure is that everyone likes boobs. They’re fun to grab and squeeze and they turn everyone on. If it’s a big concern don’t lie on your back. Every small girl knows you get into bed and get onto your side!

The other thing I know for sure is that I would never want to date a guy who only likes women with big fake breasts ‘cause let’s be serious, if you hook up based on your boob size, you aren’t going to have much to talk about after a few dates. Do you really want to be with a guy who only likes you for your boobs? He sounds like a pretty shallow, rich, arrogant...oh! That's why you want fake boobs! You want to be in a loveless relationship with lots of money! Well, I hope all that money can buy you some books to read to fill all the boredom of having to be with him. Call me old fashioned but anyone can shove silicone into their chest, that's not unique. Who you are is what makes you unique and isn't that what people should fall in love with? I don’t care how dumb you are inside, we’re all feeling humans and I can’t help but feel sorry for a woman that is ignored because her breasts enter the room first. 

I also have a problem with parents buying their daughters boob jobs for gifts. I have the same problem with parents buying their kids cars. If you want to help your child pay for school or a down payment on a house, I get it. It’s an investment that will have a great return. But boob jobs and cars need to be earned. You need to get a job and save up for those things. Not only will it teach you to be mature and responsible, but once you have the money necessary you will feel a sense of accomplishment and hopefully choose instead to put that money towards an education. The current teenagers and 20 somethings can be real assholes and there is a direct correlation between their behaviour and the way they were brought up. Guilt ridden parents who got divorced or both work all day slather their kids with gifts to make them feel loved so that the parents don’t actually have to take the time to love them.

Oh wait a minute, maybe if you had taken the time to love your child they wouldn’t hate their bodies so much...hmmm.

Look, everyone thinks their kid is the greatest thing ever and you should make them feel special and loved, but that doesn’t mean your kid is more special than other people and they shouldn’t have a sense of entitlement. Buying your kid cars and boobs give them this sense and makes them real assholes for the rest of us to deal with. Teach them respect and a love of learning and they’ll make their own money to buy a car, and hopefully grow a brain to realize how shallow a boob job is (no pun intended).

I’d like to add that I realize there are certain times where a boob job may be necessary, like if a woman has had a mastectomy, if there has been an accident or birth defect, or if a man has gone through all the proper therapy and is okay’d to undergo a sex change operation. If this is you, I get it. I hope you are okay and that having a breast augmentation can bring some normalcy and peace to your life. If you don’t fit into one of these categories, you should be happy you don’t and take a good look inside before trying to change the facade.